Tag: News

Despite calls for his resignation, New York City mayor Eric Adams has stated he is “not going anywhere.” Here is everything you need to know about Adams.  Nickname: This fuckin’ guy  Religion: Born-again MAGA Second-In-Command: Whoever hasn’t resigned yet Favorite Borough: Istanbul  Price: Recently lowered Turkish Airlines Status: Elite Plus Greatest Achievement: Making Bill de […] The post Political Profile: Eric Adams appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump appeared to blame Ukraine’s leaders for the three year war with Russia, arguing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky “should have never started it.” What do you think? The post Trump Claims Ukraine Started War appeared first on The Onion.

OJAI, CA—Seeking an immediate injunction against the American actor and director, It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni announced Friday that he was suing It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni for getting him into this mess. “For years, Mr. Baldoni has inflicted significant emotional distress and financial harm on my client through his reckless […] The post Justin Baldoni Sues Justin Baldoni For Getting Him Into This Mess appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Amid efforts to prove himself as an effective chair of the performing arts organization, President Donald Trump was reportedly unable to focus in a national security meeting Friday, distracted by the pressure of booking the Kennedy Center’s upcoming Summer Jazz Series. According to sources, the sound of his Cabinet members’ voices was essentially white noise […] The post Trump Unable To Focus In Meeting As Pressure Of Booking Kennedy Center Summer Jazz Series Looms appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE—Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday that they had been playing the board game Wingspan incorrectly for the past six hours. “Wait, were we supposed to have set up these goal tiles earlier?” said Elliott Barnes, 31, grabbing […] The post Exhausted Friends Slowly Realize They Were Playing Board Game Wrong Entire 6 Hours appeared first on The Onion.

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his daughter Ellie’s wedding Friday thinking about the history of oil. According to sources, the father walked the bride down the […] The post Dad Spends Daughter’s Wedding Day Thinking About History Of Oil appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday after getting their tongues stuck to a frozen column near the West Wing of the White House. “Oh my God, it’s thtuck, it’s thtuck!” said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who blamed his brother Eric for […] The post Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House appeared first on The Onion.

An Ornate cat-eyed snake was found hiding in a bunch of bananas at a New Hampshire grocery store, the reptile having been accidentally stowed away among a shipment of the fruit. What do you think? The post Venomous Snake Found In Bananas At New Hampshire Grocery Store appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk, the leader of DOGE, claims the organization’s sweeping cuts have already saved the government $55 billion. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Department Of Government Efficiency.  20,000: Free lunch sandwiches confiscated from schoolchildren’s mouths mid-bite 17: Cancer research breakthroughs successfully averted  45: Minutes per meeting spent looking at videos […] The post DOGE By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

FOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local man and humidifier owner Greg Shulman reportedly wondered Thursday “How different could purified and distilled water really be?” just seconds before entering a world of shit. “Those two words basically mean the same thing, and water is […] The post ‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit appeared first on The Onion.