TheOnion.com

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw currently picking up the Earth. “We believe that the mechanical three-pronged hand recently spotted clasped around the Arctic may be controlled […] The post NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—After bending the rules with a celebratory serving in honor of his special day, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that President Joe Biden had been given human food as a birthday treat. “I know he’s not technically supposed to eat this kind of stuff, but we figure once in a while on a special occasion […] The post Joe Biden Given Human Food As Birthday Treat appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom finally decided to settle down after mutually accepting that cousins weren’t completely off the table.  The post James Nardone and Lisa Reynolds appeared first on The Onion.

In one of the largest corporate blackmail schemes in modern history, the popular fast food chain has reportedly sent the following ultimatum to millions of its customers: "We know who you are. Wire $10,000 by midnight, or the world will know too." The post Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay appeared first on The Onion.