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BEEKMAN, NY—Upon receiving the news that his name had somehow been included in an executive order granting clemency to nearly 1,600 rioters, Mark David Chapman reportedly decided to just go with it Monday when he was pardoned alongside the Jan. 6 defendants. “Well, sure, I guess I’ll just say here that I’ve been held hostage […] The post Mark David Chapman Decides To Just Go With It After Receiving January 6 Pardon appeared first on The Onion.

The post We Must Protect The First Amendment At All Costs vs. No Thanks, I’ll Just Take My Freedoms For Granted Until They Disappear appeared first on The Onion.

The post Biden In Critical Condition After Sticking Tongue In Marine One Chopper Blade appeared first on The Onion.

The post Better Copulate Than Never appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE—Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos–Lauren Sánchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. “Oh, shit, it’s $290 million?” the visibly annoyed Yorkin said as he stared at the Zola page for the Amazon billionaire […] The post Man Groans After Only Thing Left On Bezos Wedding Registry New Rocket Booster appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation’s access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a motherfuckin’ “hell yeah.” “It’s no secret that peer enthusiasm is harder to come by than it was in previous […] The post Alarming Study Finds Only 1 In 4 Americans Can Get A Motherfuckin’ ‘Hell Yeah’ appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Boys Take Turns Shouting ‘Penis’ At Inauguration appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. “Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet—this is a day we’ll tell our children about,” Musk said as he slowly panned his phone’s […] The post Elon Musk Holds Up AI Girlfriend App So She Can See appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Not bothering to conceal her phone screen, Melania Trump was reportedly swiping through Raya matches Monday in full view of television cameras. The former and incoming first lady of the United States was captured in close-up by various news networks perusing profiles on the celebrity dating app during her husband’s inauguration ceremony, occasionally pausing to zoom […] The post Melania Trump Swiping Through Raya Matches In Full View Of Cameras appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror, Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. “Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?” said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle […] The post Pete Hegseth Crashes Golf Cart Into Inauguration Stage appeared first on The Onion.